Does reaching orgasm mean you just had great sex or what? Having an orgasm is a feeling of immense pleasure and a climax of sexual tension and excitement. It can be caused by intense sexual stimulation or achieved by accumulative stages from foreplay to sexual intercourse.
Orgasms are an involuntary actions controlled by the nervous system, where a man or a woman experiences muscular spasms in multiple areas of the body and reaches an unspeakable, mindless state of “high” after tremendous sexual stimulation.
While popular culture emphasizes “great performance” in the bedroom, this is not necessarily the most important aspect of intimacy for women. Specifically, the society too often defines good sex as reaching or achieving orgasm.
As Doula and female wellness specialist Natasha Weiss wrote, “While everyone should be able to have as many orgasms as they want, that’s not all that sex is about. When we over-emphasize orgasm, we tend to have a one-pointed focus.” Facts seem to bear Weiss out.
Here is why good sex goes beyond the orgasm.
Based on studies from Kindara, 53.2% of women rated “emotional connection” as the most important aspect of sex, and a substantial 23.6% rated foreplay as most important.
By contrast, only 4% of women selected novelty and variation, and only 7% chose the frequency. In other words, over two-thirds of women feel the greatest benefit of sex is an emotional attachment, coupled with sensual touching.
This is not to say that the female orgasm is unimportant, or that a woman should not strive to reach it. However, the evidence seems clear that, for the majority of women, an orgasm is not the primary target.
Elisabeth Lloyd, a scientist at the University of Indiana, Bloomington, says that too many sexual interactions seem to happen according to a sort of “script,” where the action starts, the woman climaxes, followed by the man, and then it’s all over.
Trying to follow this script, however, prevents couples from discovering nuances that suit them better. And, being orgasm-centric, it essentially ignores what most women want out of sex, which is an emotional connection.
“Sexuality is a wonderfully complex thing,” Lloyd stated. “We shouldn’t be so focused on getting to the finish line.” Due to the fast pace and evolution of society today, most of us are conditioned to prioritize our needs and disregard those of others so such a mindset is not unusual when it comes to sex.
Good sex is about sexual fulfilment, it is not a fast food like pleasure delivery service where orgasm is the main objective. It is about thoughtfulness and devotion; ensuring that both parties are having an enjoyable time by engaging all the senses.
It is not just about physical pleasure but also about the emotional and mental connection. Whispering sweet nothings while planting soft kisses along the trail of her shoulder or teasing her earlobes with your tongue while caressing her soft, silky hair; these are the connections that matter.
They show that you care about getting her comfortable and not rushing into things, that you are taking the time to spend with her and make her come; you care about her more than anything else and she is all that matters at this point of time.
You care about pleasing her and making her happy, relaxed after a long day. You want to tell her that you are here for her through the sense of touch, sight and taste etc. She is safe and secure in your arms, you are her sweet anchor that she can run to after a tiring or hard day of work or chores.
She will be able to and can sense all these through the various little touches and when this happens, sexual fulfilment comes automatically. Like you don’t even have to look for it; when you make her happy, she will also take the same effort and time to make you happy too. Pleasure in all and unimaginable ways, is a two way street.
Now that you know good sex is just not about orgasms, we hope you will take the new found information and bring the bedroom war to the next level!