Porn is evil! Porn is awesome! Porn is okay in moderate amounts, like ice cream. On the contrary: porn, even an abundance of it, is what keeps relationships fresh and healthy! But the best relationships are porn-free. What about singles: should they indulge, abstain, or be somewhere in the middle?
Spend enough time digging around online, and you can find studies to back any of these ideas above.
For some help navigating all of these opinions, we turned to Brittany Wong’s February 27, 2020 article in the Huffington Post, where she analyzed many of the views and much of the research to date on what healthy porn consumption looks like, and when to know when you or your partner’s use of it is becoming problematic.
Is Porn Bad?
No, or at least not necessarily, says psychologist and sex therapist Janet Brito. She explains, “A healthy relationship to porn is defined by the individual―only you can decide if it is ‘good or bad’ for you.” If you’re not hiding your porn use from others or feeling guilt or shame around it, there’s probably no cause for concern.
Carly (31), manager of NYC sex toy shop Pleasure Chest, and her partner Andrew (26), a construction worker, are quite open about their porn use. “We bonded over me knowing [of] lots of porn stars and him knowing [of] lots of porn stars,” says Carly.
They also enjoy watching adult content together, so that they can feel like “being at an orgy without having to talk to other people.” But the couple is also fine watching the raunchy stuff solo. As Andrew details, “what with scheduling differences, libido differences, [and] different stuff we’re into, sometimes it’s nice to unwind with a little me-time.”
But not every consumer—whether single or part of a couple—presents such happy outcomes. A typical case is that of “Tom,” a 42-year-old white American father and husband. Tom’s wife has become increasingly distant due to his use of porn. She did not know that he used adult videos (AV) until after marriage, and her demands for him to stop only led to more intensive use.
Now, they are in extreme financial straits because he has exhausted the family finances paying for adult content. Worst of all, Tom’s spouse no longer wants him around their kids because she feels that he is a “bad influence.”
To judge whether your and/or your partner’s AV habits look more like Carly and Andrew’s or Tom’s, Wong offers some cogent advice, which we recap below.
Do any of these sound like you (or your partner)?
1. You are avoiding sex
As we’ve written here before, the convenience and accessibility of AVs can make a tempting alternative to the complexities of dealing with human relationships. Writes sex therapist Sari Cooper, “if you’re avoiding sex with your partner―or prefer a quick visit to PornHub (or the cam girl experience) to actually having sex―you might be having a problem.”
2. You think rough sex, anal sex, and threesomes are routine
AVs display sex as it exists in the mind of film producers, not as it exists in reality. This means that, while its fantasy value may be high, its realism and educational content is low.
Sometimes men think all or most women love anal and threesomes because it’s so common. And that’s alarming because they may not even bother about consent, as a teenager interviewed by the New York Times confirmed.
“Porn is a horrible sex educator,” says NYC psychologist and sex educator Megan Fleming. “We need to educate our kids and young adults in relationships about pleasure and exploring on their own and not according to what they see (online).”
This may be particularly important for those drawn toward the fringes of adult content: where women are slapped, kicked, forced into acts or otherwise degraded on-screen.
3. Porn use is hurting your partner (or you)
If your partner is uncomfortable, hurt, lonely or detached from you due to your AV habits―or is resorting to snooping into your browser history―there’s a problem, and it’s worth sitting down and having a serious talk about.
Conversely, it’s an equally big problem if you’re the one concerned about your partner’s AV use. But in such cases Brito advises that you try to create space to discuss your concerns with your partner, focusing more on your needs rather than attacking them for using AVs.
4 You feel like you’re underperforming or unattractive
Just like the rest of Hollywood, porn performers are sculpted, manicured, and enhanced in ways that are impossible for ordinary people. Wong goes into specifics on this, noting that the average penis size is about 6 inches, but in porn, it’s often over 8 or 9.
Vulvas vary in shape and size, but in AVs they’re virtually pore-less and hairless, and often labiaplastied. Then there are unrealistic expectations about physical appearance. It should be remembered that many porn performers were once mainstream film aspirants, which means they’re typically more than a few notches above average in the looks department.
This is why so many experts warn against benchmarking yourself against these X-rated stars. Fleming notes that self-image issues can arise because most people just can’t match these ideal images of hotties they’re seeing online. Fleming expresses concern about the number of women and men surgically altering themselves to imitate adult performers.
“There’s been a significant increase in labiaplasty in many cases because women don’t like the way their vulvas look and may not be as trimmed as they see in porn,” she informs us.
5. You feel your partner isn’t hot enough for you
The idea that “you only deserve the best” is constantly affirmed in media, entertainment and advertising. Lori Gottlieb’s book Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough was a bestseller, but also heavily criticized for its title alone. Who wants to settle for good enough when perfection awaits?
By contrast, porn not only offers men and women who are unusually attractive, but whom we can further curate to our finest preference: tall redheads, leggy blondes, short brunettes, chiseled hunks or emo guys. Porn users, as Fleming states, “can get what they want, when they want it, and generally, they’re flipping through multiple images or videos of their ideal sexual turn-ons.”
But it’s not just imagery: when porn is combined with solo masturbation, we can get distorted ideas as to how real, physical couple-sex feels. This particularly holds true for men.
Fleming explains that it’s not uncommon for men to have what sex therapists refer to as an ‘idiosyncratic masturbation style,’ meaning, on their own they might be using too much force, pressure, or fast movements, focusing on the highly sensitive frenulum. She says, “A woman’s hand, mouth or vagina can’t replicate that level of stimulation.”
How to get your porn consumption just right
Porn consumers are encouraged to self-reflect on how their AV use is impacting either their lives or the lives of their partner. If (porn use) is hurting your partner, your consumption habits may be worth reexamining, either on your own or with the help of a therapist.
